Does anybody have a teenager?

[flamingdreams]

My daughter is 14 years old and absolutly driving me CRAZY! Every since she came home after school today she has complained about EVERYTHING! :cuss: I get so tired of hearing it and we end up arguing before the nights over. I have a heck of a time communicating with her unless its screaming at each other. This is almost on a daily basis. Why do they think they can talk to us like that? I ground her, take everything away and she still treats me like crap. Anybody have any suggestions? I know I'm not the only one out there with this problem but I'm hoping someone has an idea of what to do or how to deal with this. When I was young, our parents were allowed to beat the heck out of us, but I don't believe in hitting.(Even though it worked) Thanks in advance.

[Lori]

Hi Connie --

Oh yes, I have a teenager.

Here's the hardest part for me. For so many years I was his whole world. He adored me! And then... SUDDENLY... I'm his worst enemy.

It's impossible to convince them that we're on THEIR side.

I really sympathize with you - but hang in there.

Here's what I've been doing: Every day -- before you get a chance to disagree on anything, give her a hug, a complement, a "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"...

Just make sure you get a chance to slip it in. She wants and needs to hear it.

Try to do this multiple times. This balances out the multitude of times you find you need to correct or argue.

Get the book - How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk.

Remember to love yourself! Take time to pat yourself on the back. Raising teenagers is a challenge.

Feel free to vent here anytime! We're here for you.

Lori

[Audrey]

Connie,

Let me share some articles I've written. They may give you some ideas:

Making a Connection With Your Teen

Last month, I picked my daughter up from school and as we were driving home, I noticed the car in front of us. There were 4 teens in the car, all smoking, only one window partially cracked.

I proceeded to let my daughter know just how horrible this was. I told her I couldn’t believe these kids were riding in a closed up car all smoking etc. When I finally finished my rant, my wonderful daughter looked me square in the face and said “mom tell you never did that as a teen”. I think it took the two of us 10 minutes to quit laughing. I had one of my momentary forgetting I was ever a teen moments.

Often we can make a connection with our teens if we remember that we too were teens once and share those stories with our kids. Of course I rode in a car with everyone smoking. Of course I cut a class now and again. Of course I had times I did not turn in homework. Sharing funny stories about our own teen years is a wonderful way to connect with our own children.

I have also always taken an interest in the hobbies my children have become involved in. My older daughter took up baseball. She began collecting baseball cards. I really wanted to connect with her so I began collecting football cards. Yep, there I was a 30 year old woman starting my own football card collection. She and I would visit card shops. We would attend card exhibits. We had a blast each creating our own albums.

My younger daughter loves the theater. I make it a point to watch for local performances. When I find them, I offer to buy tickets so that we can attend the various plays in our community. We recently attended a junior high school version of Fiddler on the Roof. The kids were magnificent. My daughter and I had a delightful time.

This is the same daughter that took up cheerleading. We used to attend sports games just so she could watch the cheerleaders and then create routines. These were all wonderful opportunities to connect with one another.

These are just a few ways to connect with your teenager. Look for ways to connect with your teen based on their likes and hobbies. While you may not be able to pick them up and hold them anymore, you now are able to spend quality time and create memories that will last both of you a lifetime.

~ ~ ~ ~
Audrey Okaneko is mom to two girls. She can be reached at audreyoka@cox.net or visited at http://www.recipe-barn.com

[Audrey]

Spending Time With Your Teenage Daughter

If your kids are like mine, then spending time in their room, on the phone, or on the computer instant messaging is their idea of a great time.

Here are many activities I’ve participated in with my teens over the years:

• Starbucks – My daughter would do this daily if I said yes. We will buy our coffees and then sit and chat. No more taking them home, as home means either on the phone or on the computer.
• Walks – We have some great paths where I live. I invite my younger daughter to join me at least a couple of times a week on a walk.
• Renting Movies – We go to Blockbuster and my daughter gets to choose what we watch. We can’t always finish the movie in one night, so often we’ll watch it over two nights.
• Plays – My daughter loves plays. We have gone to many junior high, high school and college plays. We do catch an occasional adult performance also, but often our attendance is at a student production.
• Cooking – My daughter loves to bake. We’ll often bake cookies or brownies that she can take to school the next day.
• Shopping – What teenage girl does not like to shop? We know every store in our town and two towns over.
• Crafts – We love to crochet and scrapbook. We try to find one night a week or sometimes one night every other week that we can scrapbook. My daughter works on her album and I work on mine. We are together, sharing and laughing.
• Old Sitcoms – We really enjoy old sitcoms. We joined Netflix and will rent old sitcoms like Friends, Laverne and Shirley and others.
• Lunch Out – A few times a year, the high school has minimum days. I work my schedule so that when I pick my daughter up from school we can go have lunch together.
• Garage Sales and Flea Markets – My older daughter loves to get up on Saturday mornings and hit the local garage sales. We leave about 7:45 a.m. and get back about noon. Often we’ll stop and have lunch as part of the day.
• Open Houses – One of my daughters loves to visit open houses on the weekends and see what’s for sale and view the many floor plans available.

I believe it’s important to spend time with your teenage daughter, and so I’ve found many creative ideas to help them say yes.

***
Audrey Okaneko is mom to two girls. She can be reached at audreyoka@cox.net or visited at http://www.recipe-barn.com

[Audrey]

Teens and Discipline

I had the most frustrating conversation with a friend. It was frustrating enough to lead me to write this article.

She was very upset her son came in at 3 a.m. when his curfew was 1 a.m. She came to me asking for my advice on what to do. This was not the first time he’d broken curfew. I asked if she was going to ground him. She explained she couldn’t as he had ball practice and since he’d be seeing his friends anyway, grounding him was fruitless. I asked if she was taking away his car privileges. She explained that with work and ball practice it was not practical to take away his car privileges. I asked if she would limit his cell phone use since he did not use his phone, which she pays for, to call and tell her he’d be late. She explained that he needed the phone in case his boss or coach called him. I asked if there would be any consequence for him coming in at 3 a.m. and disrespecting her and her rules. She then told me she just didn’t know what to do as nothing worked, and she truly felt she had no choices and no options.

I should state that I’m “just a mom”. I’m not a psychologist or child expert. As a mom I know that if we as parents allow the above scenario, then it continues. It does not magically get better on its own.

Just using the above scenario, I do not believe having to call a friend and ask for a ride to ball practice is “horrible”. I don’t believe having to take a bus to work or catching a ride with a friend is “horrible”. I don’t believe allowing work and ball practice with no social activities for a week is “horrible”. And I don’t believe saying “tell the boss and coach to call the home phone” for a week is “horrible”. Any of these would make it very clear to the teen that there are consequences for his actions.

It has always been very important to me to help my kids understand with certainty that for every action there are consequences. This is NOT a negative phrase. If we plant seeds, a tree will grow. If we smile at a stranger, they just may smile back. If we choose to ignore or disobey a rule, there are also consequences. I think most reading this article have probably had a speeding ticket. We chose to go faster than the limit and we dealt with the consequence.

I attended a class through my daughter’s high school. The man running the class was an MFCC who specialized in teens. I remember him addressing a woman who also felt there was nothing she could do. He asked if the teen had a bed, a dresser, a phone, a car, and even a door for privacy for his bedroom. He went on to tell this woman that not one of those items was a necessity, and not one of those items was required by the state to be provided.

As parents, we do have choices and options if our teen decides to disobey our rules. Both of my kids know that the door on their bedroom is a privilege. Neither one of them EVER slams their door. It is their choice to not slam the door as they wish to keep the door right there, on the hinges.

Once you decide to take control, you’ll discover that you really do have many options.

****
Audrey Okaneko is mom to two girls. She can be reached at audreyoka@cox.net or visited at http://www.recipe-barn.com

[Audrey]

I hope these articles help give you some ideas. I agree with Lori 100%. You have to find times to compliment her and let her know you are on her side.

You said she'd been complaining all day. How about changing YOUR perspective. Instead of viewing her words as complaining. Take the time to really listen to those complaints and gain some insite into who your daughter is. Is there a theme/pattern to the complaints? Can you offer her suggestions?

Next you said you have a hard time communicating with her. Are you talking to her or are you lecturing and scolding her? Two very different things. No one wants to be lectured/scolded daily. Do you ask her how her day was. Do you engage her in conversation about the things she likes? Do you really talk without judgement and without lecturing? (trust me this one is hard).

I really believe that if you make changes. If you change your perspective. If you work hard at holding true conversations with her, things can and will change.

If my daughter yells at me and yes it does happen, I simply look at her and say "we can talk later when you are not yelling at me". I then walk away. I don't threaten her. I don't yell back. I don't take something away. I simply let her know we will not be talking while she's angry and yelling.

She and I have set some "rules" during calm times. One of those rules is that we both agree nothing gets solved when either of us is angry. We both agree that we will respect the others right to walk away or talk later if anger is present.

I hope this helps a bit.

[tam2005]

Audrey...as always, great articles! :)

Hi Connie,

Age 14 is really tough. My son was very rebellious when he was that age. It's basically normal for teenagers to act out like this...sad, but true. (Unless you have exceptionally well behaviored kids)! And believe me, that is rare. LOL!

I agree with Lori and Audrey...the most important thing is to let her know you love her and you are there for her. ;)

Also...take another approach and "don't yell or argue" (I know it's REALLY hard to bite your tongue)! :argue: LOL

Talk to her in a soft, rational voice, (but firm).

If you've grounded her from a lot of things, stick to it and don't give in. Also...determine what means the most to her, wether it being the Internet, the phone, or whatever. Like you said though, you've taken everything away from her.

Stick to your guns with the discipline...very important!

Hang in there, things will get better as she gets older and matures more.

(((HUGS))) :)

[sarathy]

There is no point warring with a fourteen year old. That'll only make her more rebellious. All that you need to do is be a friend to her. Give her a patient hearing to whatever she says and when she is in a good mood preach. Never argue with teenagers, as they tend to take it to their heart.